Everything that used to make me smile about you now tears me apart. You only serve to destroy me.
I can’t do this anymore.
It’s like, people just expect you to change. They just expect you to drop the years of conditioning from the malicious intent of those who preceded them. Well, what an ignorant and frustrating thing that is. My efforts are true and they are honest. But my imperfections live and breed inside of me. They are evil and relentless. I will ruin the bits of good that sneak their way into my life. And that’s just people. That’s anyone who has been forced to his or her knee’s to beg for a better life.
The kind of anxiety where you feel like your skin is crawling, your stomach is shaking, and your heart is exploding. I’m there.
So we do this, like, thing when we are asked “are you okay?” where we avoid any other answer besides “yes” or “sure”. Based on an unofficial statistic I am making up right as I type this, the majority of us give this answer more than half of the time we are faced with this question. I would be confident in stating that it is well over half, but I’ll be ethical here. Now if this truly is the case, which I firmly believe that it is, we are all very frequent offenders of lying. We are HUGE liars. We lie to strangers, our friends, our significant others, our family, our co-workers and whoever the hell else asks us this forced-because-it-seems-like-the-right-thing-to-do question.
Why do we lie rather than respond with “I’m not sure” or “no fucking way, I’m miserable as fuck”? I think there are a few common reasons I can state with near certainty without divulging too obnoxiously far into psychological reasoning.
1. We are ashamed, embarrassed, or afraid of seeming weak. Men are the worst offenders of this, but women are almost just as bad because women are maternal and would rather be strong for everyone. None of this is very gender-specific, though. Being viewed as weak, overly-sensitive, or insecure with our personal beings or our lives in general gives us this anxiety that we will become the fibrous mats that people use to wipe their grimy feet on. No one wants to be taken advantage of so we put on this “front” that we have the strength of a thousand Rambo’s when in reality we are fuzzy puppies inside.
2. We don’t want people to judge our problems and compare them to something worse. Can I just say that I hate when I DO actually vent a problem or two and someone responds with something like “well, at least you don’t have AIDS” or “think about the starving children in Africa”. Like, o-fucking-k I am WELL aware that hundreds of thousands of human beings on this green Earth have it a multitude of ways worse than I do, but that doesn’t make me feel any better about MY OWN PROBLEMS. Everyone’s problems are different and just because I’m not lying on a stone floor with flies all over my 65lb. body doesn’t mean that a. I am an insensitive, spoiled little princess with a fierce lack of compassion and b. I am not allowed to be upset or stressed out about the things that hold me down in life. Of course there are people who have it worse than a lot of us and we feel for those people, but the fact of the matter is that we have our hand of cards and they have theirs. Everyone is entitled to feel down.
3. We don’t want to burden others with our issues. This is easily the category that I fall under. I can barely even wipe the fake smile off my face for fear of other people taking time out of their schedules to worry about my insignificant ass. Sounds cynical and skeptical but I am not alone here. Some people throughout my life have told me not to think this way and have even so graciously offered their ears and advice to me. But you know who ruins that are the people who either respond with such surface I-don’t-give-a-shit or my-brain-only-works-in-black-and-white-and-you-are-too-deep-for-me-to-deal-with. Sorry for all of the hyphens. See, I even feel guilty about over-hyphenating. Anyways, you get the people who say things like “hope it gets better for you” or “everything will be fine”. I try to be polite to these individuals but in my head marking them down on my “don’t ever have a serious conversation with them” list. No better are the latter. At least they try sometimes though, which is like, adorable or some shit. But if I want something adorable I’ll go to Debbie’s Pet Land in the mall and pet a fucking guinea pig. These people are the ones that make you feel truly alone in this massive world. You finally work up the courage to take about 90 emotional dumps out of your mouth and the response you get is the same or very similar to the first that I mentioned. Why? Because this person is fucking clueless and has probably had their toothpaste put on their toothbrush for them since the day they were born. They haven’t experienced so much as an accidental crap in their pants. They walk around the streets with unicorns and butterflies all around them. They try to respond tactfully and although they are calm-natured and polite, you can read “uhh…umm…derr…” written all over their innocent, unscarred faces. Realistically there are people out their who want to listen to your problems when they can, and actually make a serious attempt to help you out. I am one of those people. I enjoy paying my wisdom forward. I find it gratifying. The trick is to find the least ignorant, least selfish, most logically and life-educated people and unleash your beasts on them because they WILL make you feel a whole shit-load better.
Those are the reasons I believe that we rarely give a truthful answer to the question “are you okay?” I’m sure there are more but those are probably the most common reasons.
As for me, I’m going to go back to lying to everyone who asks me this question on a daily basis because it’s just easier that way.
You fucked me over. You are completely mentally insane. You hurt so many people and tell so many lies that I don’t know how you sleep at night. If only you could hear the way people talk about you, but you wouldn’t give a shit anyways because you only care about your own little world. Examine yourself. Look at how many problems you have had in friendships and relationships and how many people you have lost throughout your young life. Why don’t you keep blaming everyone else for that because it is really doing you a lot of good. We are all such terrible people and you are an adorable little angel, right? FUCKING. WRONG. YOU. ARE. PSYCHOTIC. People are slowly starting to figure you out and it’s a beautiful thing to watch. I am eternally disappointed in the human being that I have had to find out that you are.
Enjoy your fairytale, sweetheart, and just remember that what goes around comes around you fucking BITCH.
To feel again